Michiko's America

I was fresh off the boat when someone first asked me,

“How are you?”

I translated my Japanese response into English and said,

“I’m a bit tired.”

That was the truth.  I worked and also studied at a graduate school until my wedding, and the day after we said “I do”, my husband and I took a flight to California for our honeymoon.  I was a zombie.  But then, she said,

“You’re not supposed to say that!”  She kindly taught me that I should at least say “Okay.”  So, the next time she asked me the same question, I said,

“I’m Okay.” Then, she frowned a bit, took a long look at me and said,

“Are you Okay?”  That’s how I learned that I should at least say “Not bad” or “Good”.

Most Americans don’t think about this too much, as they naturally learn how to respond to “how are you?” as they grow up.  But this simple question can befuddle non-native speakers of English.

First of all, we don’t know how much the other person wants to know.  How honest should we be?  If we can’t be honest about how we are, then what’s the point of asking this question?  And to my surprise we are not alone in that thought; some Americans have even said to me jokingly,

“Well, we don’t really care about how others are feeling.”

I’m not sure whether that’s the case, though.  Maybe when they’re in a hurry, but my last twenty-five years living in the U.S. tell me that Americans do care.

There are also some variations to “how are you?”.  “What’s up?” is one of them.  Only a few people have asked me this, probably because they’re afraid that I’d be too slow to respond to this fast-paced hip-pop version of how-are-you.  But I’ve learned through observation and experience that I need to tell him/her about my recent activities, and that the cooler they sound the better for the rhythm of the conversation.  However, this comes with a minor contradiction.  The people who start their response by saying “not much” or “nothing really” usually end up describing something newsworthy in their lives.  Someone’s birthday, a wedding anniversary, kids’ performances, a family vacation, a sports event or a show that they are looking forward to.  It seems that Americans always have something special going on in their lives.

“How is it going?” is another one.  When I heard it for the first time, I wondered what “it” is.  Do they have some kind of insider knowledge about “it” and are using a code name for that thing?  Or is it like the “it” as in “it’s snowing”?

Some folks even say “How’s the world treating you?”  Why do you want to bring the world in to your greeting?  In Japan, we try our best not to bother the world with our private matters.

Then, I saw two people passing each other in the hallway.  “How are you?” “How’s it going?”  I was shocked; isn’t it rude not to stop and pay attention to someone after asking “how are you”?  But they both looked pretty happy.  Maybe this is the equivalent of the Japanese “Dohmo” which we use both when seeing a person and when saying good bye to the person, as in “hello there!” and “see you later”.  Some Japanese say “Dohmo, dohmo.”  Maybe they’re combining the two greetings together.  Funny, it finally makes sense to me.

In Japan, we all learn the simple English greeting pattern: “How are you?” “I’m fine, thank you.  And you?”  But I refuse to use this; I’ve hardly ever seen that dialog occur in the U.S.  Japanese textbooks really need to be updated.  Besides, “fine” somehow sounds to me like a refusal for further conversation.  Am I sensing something that doesn’t exist?

When I was working at a consulting firm, a Canadian partner flew into New York in the midst of a big snow storm.  He was one of the top partners and everyone in the office was pleased to see him arrive safely.  I happened to bump into him in the hallway, and it was obvious he was sick with a high fever.  He was also coughing incessantly.  Knowing he was very sick, out of habit I asked,

“How are you?”  I immediately realized my mistake and wanted to dig a hole and bury myself in it.  However, he said rather cheerfully,

“I’m feeling fantastic!”  By then I’d learned that you should say at least “good” in business, even when you were not feeling well physically.  But fantastic?  Really?  It was rather off-putting to me.  However, when I sat down at my own desk, it hit me that he had come to make important decisions and had to show that he could make sound decisions although he looked like he was on the verge of bronchitis.

A few years later, I got the flu.  I took over-the-counter medicine and hoped it would go away.  After several days, however, I found myself calling my doctor’s office; the fever didn’t go down and I was light-headed.

Unsteady and shivering with a fever, I somehow made it there and was welcomed by several people slumped in chairs.  Apparently, it was a peak time for the flu.  I waited there and some more in one of the patient rooms.  Finally, a nurse came in and took my temperature and blood pressure.  Then, my doctor came in rather cheerfully and said,

“How are you?”  Slightly annoyed, I said,

“What do you think?”  She burst out laughing.  But I didn’t mean to be funny.  I was too exhausted to be courteous.  So, my American manners were not there yet.  If I were in the same situation now, I would say “hanging in there” or “I’ve been better.”  That’s how I can steer the conversation in the direction where I want it to go.

Now I think that the American “how are you?” is like taking your temperature and blood pressure in the doctor’s office.   By our response, we can control how much we want to reveal to the inquirer.  So, in a way, a person who asks us “how are you” is giving us a choice on how much we want to share and where we want the conversation to go.  This is American kindness and respect for other’s privacy.  I still wish it were much simpler, though.